Ego. Oh, sue me, please.

I stayed awake the whole night. Perhaps it was a good excuse to "de-rail" from my final, final paper. Must be the 'hypertension' I've been having lately, due to exams, due to external factors, I've been feeling off-track lately. As I'm typing this, I've just forced myself off the bed, taken a quick cold shower, and instead of mugging the last minute, I thought it was best to do some theraphy here before facing the paper later.
I think exams change a person's mood, emotion and attitude. I really do. Either you turn into a giant blob, which goes on sucking and sucking in what's written on the books, and you become oblivious to your surroundings, OR you become like me, uncertain of your emotions, what you've read, what was been done and all you want to do is just lock yourself in the room. You'd prefer the darkness. Isolation.
I remembered when I first got into this relationship, or rather for a couple of my past relationships, MeiLing & Mel would ask, "Are you sure this is what you want?" and obviously, at that point, it was only the starting of the race, and with excitement, I would always say "Yes!!". And then Meiling would do her signatory saying which goes like this: "Just make sure you treasure her." with a smile, of course.
I've came a long way now. From beautiful relationships which I've crushed with my own bare hands, and to not-so-beautiful relationships, which I've abandoned. And last night, was perhaps, the stupidest decision I've made. I know, there's no reason to utter anything mentally-abusive when you are in an argument, especially when you come to think of it, perhaps, at some point I overreacted. I admit that. I tend to get slightly over-posessive sometimes. It's something you have to take in about me, if you want to be with me. I tried not to bring this negative element everytime I start a new relationship. I suppress my emotions. Acting all cool about what or what not that was done, until at some point, the pressure has turned tooo intense.
At one point, I remembered someone telling me not to give my 100% when I start this new relationship, because if you give that much, and when it ends, you get twice the pain. Obviously, I was stupid enough to have ignored his advice.

Each and everyone of us has a role to play. Whether it's the role of a daughter, son, parent, grandparent, husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, student, lecturer, etc. You get the picture. With the given role, we are all expected to perform to it maximum and play our part, well. In most cases, such roles, come with rules and regulations, whether we like it or not, we have to obey them. For most cases, rules are broken, thus the issue of compatibility in role-taking.
A mental note. Just remember the role you are playing. Because there will be a day, people will get tired and thus, your role will soon be redundant. And you shall be replaced.

-- Told a friend, it's a risky investment, and from the looks of it, the stocks are going down. Time to scout for a new one then! 

Menyampah...
Menyampah aku melihat muka engkau. Babi sial.

In the midst of thinking of something smart to write..

Certain sacrifices have to be made. Afterall, it's worth it.

Some things bugging me.
Can Structural Dynamics be completed in less than 24 hours?

By the way, what's the fundamentals of a relationship?
If your boyfriend is able to provide for you, be there 24/7 for you, does that make him an A-class boyfriend?
Is that equivalent to love?

I'm going to share something personal here. (Well, not like I don't do so anyway..haha..)

I know of couples, where the girlfriends are still pursuing in their studies when their boyfriends have already graduated and joined the work force. That would be pretty normal right, especially if the age gap is not too big. 2-3 years, it'll only be normal if one is still in the university, and the other is working. Well, in that case, I guess it's acceptable still because the guy is supposed to be "providing" and the girl is supposed to be "provided". But let's turn the tables around. What if, situation's reversed. The guy is still schooling, but the girl's already out in the working society. Does that mean the girl has to "provide" the guy in that terms? Well, I'm not even talking about the age differences. It's just a matter of one out in the society, and the other, still pretty much burried under books.

Ok, let's be more specific. So when you are in a relationship, does that mean the dominant one would be paying for everything, whilst the other would always be at the receiving end? Well, in most cases, it would always be the guys doing so, but then again, in a 'normal' relationship, things would be much easier and less complicated. To what extent should the boyfriend be providing? Wouldn't that be a risky investment, if you are someone who goes by the statistics? You are actually investing in something, without knowing the percentage of return. Well, the circumstances would change if she's your wife. In that case, like I've written before, you are bound by the legal force.

Anyway, my problem begins (actually it's not really a problem to me, but it's bugging me, for no reason..) when friends of hers kept harping on the reason why she chose to be with me. One thing that made things difficult was because it was an "abnormal" relationship, (again, wtf is with people these days..what's actually normal, you tell me?) and secondly, I'm still in University, not being able to provide and to make things worst, my University is so far away, thus lesser time spent together. So, with all these reasons they came up with, they concluded that this relationship is nothing but a mere experiment.

I can actually write a book on "What the fuck is Wrong with People?" with all these build up.

First of all, when I was told of this, the first question I would always ask, "Are they Chinese Educated?"

I am not being stereotyping, but from all these years of experience, I find that those Chinese Ed finds it hard to accept such abnormality. In fact, only last night, a friend of mine kept saying that I'm not gay, and I should turn back to being a "girl". It amuses me, really. They try so hard to shape me being a "girl" when they don't realize that I'm actually still one. I HAVE NOT UNDERGONE TRANSGENDER OPERATION, FOR GOD SAKE. I'm just comfortable in what I wear, in this case, casual. Secondly, me, being a year younger, and still studying is one of your reasons, really makes me laugh. One thing, I'm doing a degree which requires 4 years for completion. And the thing is because I'm still studying, that makes me not being able to "provide". People like these, have to understand one thing. Being in a relationship, doesn't mean you have to "provide". Typical chinese mindset. There should be a thin line, separating your assets and her assets. Who knows what's going to happen in 3-4 years' time? Let's not even go so far. You don't even know what's going to happen the following day, and you already want to talk about "providing".

And to the guy who said that I'm not even half of the person he is, I'm sorry, yes, he's right. I'm not even half of the person he is. I don't even have what he claims to be "his asset". Sorry to say, I can't even give a decent 'wedding' to whoever my life partner is going to be. But if being a relationship, means going straight to the wedding bells, sorry to say, at this age, it's too early to decide. There's more to learn in this "abnormal" relationship and one thing she has to learn is not to get affected with what people have to say about her.

People and their ungodly tongues. The only way you can control them, is by cutting them, but if there's nothing you can do, then do nothing.

It really amuses me when people say I can't provide anything. Hello, please. Look at your field, and mine. You are only going in circles. I can go out of the box.

It's nights like these I dislike.

For 3 nights in a row, I've been rushing to finish what's not been finished, for the finals. Having a day gap would only mean adequate rest before pursuing the next subject further. But I can't do so!

Tonight's slightly awesome though. I managed to chat with Mel a little, and Joshua..and Chin Leong. So random chat list I have tonight, but yeah, you don't get that often here. I mean, I don't really get anyone to talk to me online, or maybe because I don't fancy online-chatting most of the time. Well, unless if I'm doing my work, or watching some show online, otherwise, I wouldn't like the idea of typing away on the keyboard. I'm weird in a cute way, ok? I like to multi-task. I just hope that many would talk to me, at times. Ping me sometimes. Well, to remind me that I'm still noticeable, at least.

Such an attention-seeker, I am.

I left a message on Julia's wall on facebook to me. It was so random, and to add on to the randomness, she replied saying that she had a dream about me the night before. That was very weird ok, because it has been 6 years since we last had contact with. And we aren't really close then. Only hi-bye senior and junior. That one also she can dream. Wahliao..

So now, Ariff's not replying my text. Sigh. Is that why I'm getting all excitable and not being able to sleep. Sucks. Awww!! Sucks!!

Finally decided not joining the rest to Langkawi next week. FYP's uncertain. So, making plans for her to come down to Ipoh instead. At least there's some company next weekend. Parents off to Ho Chin Minh, and the whole house to myself. I can feel a party warming up now..Lol!

Oh yeah, those who are interested in meeting her, she would be in Ipoh, next week. So, please, let me know, and we can come out yumcha! So no more excuse of me keeping her hidden in the closet, alright?